The Adventures of Jane and Thorin, Part the Third

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Jane Austen Finger Puppet: Hey, baby.

Thorin: …are you speaking to me, madam?

Finger Puppet: You so fine, baby.

Thorin: I beg your pardon?

Jane: Oh, dear. Your majesty, I apologize most profusely for my cousin’s bad manners.

Thorin: Oh, this is your cousin! I see the family resemblance.

Jane: …do you really?

Thorin: No, not really.

Jane: Oh, good.

Finger Puppet: Hey baby, let’s go there and back again.

Jane: Oh, will you hush!

Thorin: Pray do not regard it, Miss Austen.

Finger Puppet: Hey king baby, what do you say we make that big Elven sword go SCHWING!

Thorin: *chuckles*

Jane: *blushes*

Thorin: Truly, Miss Austen, I am not taking this seriously. You need not be embarrassed. I dare say we all have a relative or two that will put us to the blush.

Jane: I dare say yours won’t show up here and speak to me in such a disgusting manner.

Thorin: Probably for the best you haven’t met Fili and Kili, then.

Jane: Who?

Thorin: It doesn’t matter.

Finger Puppet: Is it warm in here or are you just smokin’?

Thorin: I–I didn’t bring my pipe, madam.

Jane: That’s not what she meant, your majesty. (To Finger Puppet) You revolting creature! Stop with such talk! Can’t you see Thorin is not a…not a… HOLLABACK KING?

Thorin: Miss Austen, that is quite the nicest thing you have ever said to me.

Jane: Well, if the simple creature doesn’t have the wit to figure that out for herself…

Finger Puppet: Hey king baby, did you bring your Horn of Gondor? Cause I know just how to blow it.

Thorin: I think, madam, you have perhaps confused me with Boromir.

Jane: *clutches head in hands* I am humiliated!

Thorin: Now, madam Finger Puppet, you see you have distressed your cousin. Off with you! Go torture some other Dwarf. I can probably find a few who are not as nice as I.

Jane: Come to think of it, she thinks Fanny Price should have married Henry Crawford.

Thorin: Well, that just shows you that her taste was wrongly formed.

Finger Puppet: Your loss, baby. *wanders off muttering “REDRUM! REDRUM!”*

Jane: Thank you, your majesty. Thank you for your kindness.

Thorin: My pleasure, Miss Austen. To serve you is…always my pleasure.

Jane: Careful, sir.

Thorin: Yes, madam.

The Adventures of Jane and Thorin, Part the Second

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Jane, Thorin and the Good Luck Troll Thorin: Miss Austen!

Jane: Yes, your majesty?

Thorin: Perhaps it has escaped your notice, madam, but you are at present under threat of a troll attack.

Troll: HELLO! I AM TROLL!

Jane: Oh…yes, I see.

Thorin: It would be my honour to defend you against this abominable creature, madam.

Jane: I hardly think that necessary, your majesty. He’s just a Good Luck Troll.

Troll: I BRING LUCK! GOOD GOOD LUCK!

Thorin: Back, foul beast! Touch one hair…er…one piece of plastic on this fair maiden and I will smite you!

Troll: WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?

Jane: Oh, you are a poppet! *strokes his hair*

Thorin: Miss Austen, you are in imminent danger! I do request that you step back and let me send him back to the hell from which he sprung!

Jane: Someplace dark, and far underground, I suppose.

Thorin: Yes! ….wait a minute…

Jane: One should never judge by first impressions, your majesty.

Thorin. No, madam.

Jane: Now why don’t you put away your large Elven sword, and step back?

Thorin: Yes, madam. *mutters* damn damn damn damn…

Jane: I beg your pardon?

Thorin: Nothing, madam.

In which Jane Austen converses with the King under the Mountain

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Thorin Oakenshield: Miss Austen?

Jane Austen: Yes, your majesty?

Thorin: You could just call me Thorin, you know, and I’ll call you Jane.

Jane: You shall call me Miss Austen, your majesty.

Thorin: *mutters* deep cleansing breath…be cool, Oakenshield, be cool…

Jane: I beg your pardon?

Thorin: Nothing, madam. Only that I thought, since we shall be sharing such close quarters…

Jane: Yes?

Thorin: Well….

Jane: Yes?

Thorin: Would you perhaps like to see my large Elven sword?

Jane: Would you perhaps like to have my quill pen inserted into your ear with extreme prejudice?

Thorin: *snicker* Do you mean with extreme PRIDE and prejudice? *snort*

Jane: *sighs loudly*

Thorin: *mutters* damn damn damn damn…

Jane: I beg your pardon?

Thorin: Nothing, madam.

Jane: Mmm.

S!#ff Jane Austen Says

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A bit of frivolity for a Friday…

Multimedia Wednesday

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This one is a combination of Shameless Self-Promotion, and, well, it cracked us up. See what you think.

All About Henry Tilney

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We’re happy to participate in Austenesque Reviews’ Austenesque Extravaganza! Mr. Tilney still would be pleased to Explain It All, so if you have questions or seek advice, you may post them in comments–please see below. In the meantime, we stole this from Mr. Tilney’s e-mail account here is a bit of Mr. Tilney’s personal correspondence that we thought our Gentle Readers might find illuminating. –Ed.

FROM: htilney@woodston.net
TO: ftilney@12thltdragoons.mil.uk
SUBJECT: Re: Fwd: ALL ABOUT YOU

My dear Frederick,

Really? Are you twelve years old? Do you still have a MySpace page? Oh, very well.

H.

> FROM: ftilney@12thltdragoons.mil.uk
> TO: htilney@woodston.net, eleanor@viscountesses.co.uk, ctilney@woodston.net, most_charming@aristocracy.co.uk

> SUBJECT: Fwd: ALL ABOUT YOU

> family,
> got one of these forward things from the fizzer and realized i know nothing about
> any of you. take a minute to fill it out and send back to me. anybody have the
> governor’s e-mail addy? or is he still going on with that “i’ll have no part of that
> electronic mail, quill pens and wafers were good enough for my generation”
> bollocks?

> xo,
> freddy

> “Every lover is a soldier.” — Ovid

> Captain Frederick Tilney
> 12th Light Dragoons
> Northampton

NAME: The Rev. Henry Tilney, B.A. Hons. (Oxon)

LIVING ARRANGEMENT: A very comfortable country parsonage with my lovely wife, Catherine, my old housekeeper, my clerk, two or three terriers and a large Newfoundland puppy.

FAVORITE PASTIME: Reading horrid novels to Catherine of an evening, and comforting her when she pretends to be frightened. I rather suspect that is why she pretends to be frightened.

FAVORITE BOOK: The Midnight Bell. Catherine and I like to play Ninja and Heroine. . . perhaps that is a trifle personal.

THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Being booted and great coated and basking in feminine admiration.

THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD IS: Knowing one’s cravat is spoilt, and unable to do a thing about it.

FAVORITE SMELLS: Leather, the country after a hard rain, freshly washed muslin, Catherine’s perfume.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING: Tea is Our Heavenly Father’s way of letting us know that He loves us and wants us to be happy.

FAVORITE FOODS: A grilled trout that I caught myself that very day; new vegetables in the spring; those little sandwiches they serve at supper in the Lower Rooms, for they remind me of my first meeting with Catherine.

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: I know if I say chocolate, the ladies will approve, and I always like the ladies to approve of me.

STORMS, COOL OR SCARY: Picturesque, certainly. “Cool” would depend on the weather pattern and time of year.

HORRID NOVELS, COOL OR SCARY: Scary, of course, or why bother?

FAVORITE DRINK: Tea on a cold day, or a robust port after a good dinner.

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE: Everyone would be excellent to one another.

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE: Have less knowledge of the human race, and therefore less cynicism. I am taking my cue from my delightful wife in that regard.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE: Yes. Oh, yes.

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL: At least half-full; sometimes three-quarters full.

WHAT’S IN YOUR ANXIETY CLOSET: Bad adaptations thats make me look like a broody, condescending git.

WHAT’S YOUR LOFTIEST DREAM: Sermons on the Picturesque, by A Country Gentleman, published by John Murray, London.

WHAT’S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: My fangirls, particularly Miss Sullivan, realizing that I’m a fictional character. My life would not be nearly as much fun.

WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT YOU THAT YOU FEEL THEY DON’T: I have never lectured or condescended to my dearest Catherine—well, I have lectured her on the picturesque, but she does not seem to mind.

BOXERS OR BRIEFS: Not having engaged in the study of the law, I am afraid I can have little to do with briefs. However, back at Oxford I studied the Sweet Science and have been known to go a few rounds in the ring. Gentleman Jackson himself complimented my right hook. I suppose I must choose Boxers, then, though this seems a strange question to me.

WHO ELSE IN THE FAMILY WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE FILL OUT THIS QUESTIONNAIRE: My darling wife, though I think I can guess most of her answers!

Gentle readers, it is your turn. We have been delegated by Mr. Tilney to solicit your questions. What would you like to know about him? Or would you like some advice for your own love life or life in general? Or is there something you would like to ask the Editrix? Post your questions in the comments! Each response counts as an entry in the Amazing Austenesque Giveaway, so comment early and often! And a bit of obligatory self-promotion: if you enjoyed this post, you might enjoy the Editrix’s book There Must Be Murder. Two copies of TMBM are up for grabs in the Amazing Austenesque Giveaway!

Henry Tilney rules and pretty much every other hero drools

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And now we have proof. At last, a full video is available of the brilliant parody of the Old Spice ads written by AustenBlog’s own Heather Laurence and performed by the delightful Joe Homes, who stood in for Mr. Tilney during the Team Tilney presentation at last year’s JASNA AGM, filmed, directed, and edited by Lynn Marie Macy. Enjoy, Janeites, and feel free to make this viral! The world needs to know of Mr. Tilney’s many perfections.

HE HAS A PUPPY.