The Cluebat of Janeite Righteousness gathers dust

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…because Sean at Cosmic Variance has taken care of the Cluebatting for us!

Apparently McSweeney’s did a piece on famous authors predicting the outcome of the Superbowl. Here’s what they wrote for Jane:

Hyacinth and amethyst adorned the landscape of her heart, betrothed to fragrant oakmoss and blazing scarlet within the amorous lovestrokes of an incandescent horizon. In the shade of the gray branches, she put pen to paper. “I love you, Tom Brady,” it began. “Though others call you wicked.”

Prediction: Handsome Tom 46, Stern Aunt Louisa 9

Handsome Tom, indeed. He’s a total Willoughby. But Sean steps in:

Um, what? Are there a large number of educated people out there, writing satirical pieces for hip web zines, who think that Jane Austen wrote some sort of Harlequin romances, presumably because she was female?

Here is a representative scene from an actual book written by Jane Austen — Darcy’s proposal to Elizabeth, from Pride and Prejudice:

(Scene not copied, since we all know it)

Dude, you have just been pwned. As the kids say. Jane Austen may have been many things, but a portrayer of hyacinth-adorned heart landscapes was not one of them. Next time, if you are going to parody a famous author, try reading one of their books first.

Hear, hear!!! (Also the whining of the Ayn Rand fans is quite amusing.)

ETA: Check out Comment 8 from Ben:

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a losing coach in possession of a good offensive line, must be in want of a running back.

(See, it’s not that hard.)

Well played, sir.