The Very Secret Diary of Henry Tilney, Part the Third


Part the First, Part the Second

Tilney, Frederick TilneyDay 13: Miss M. came to dinner. The governor drunk as usual, nearly gave away the game with his comments on the “elasticity” of her walk. Eleanor and I on tenterhooks waiting for him to reveal too much to Miss M. Afraid was not the wittiest.

Day 14: Frederick came to Rooms with us tonight. Pulled me out of set to ask if I knew that my girlfriend’s brother was engaged to a succubus. Said he would “take care of it.” Typical Freddy, swanning off with the pretty succubus with that “Tilney…Frederick Tilney” His-Majesty’s-Secret-Service rubbish while the rest of us are actually battling the demon hordes. Must admit it always works, but bloody annoying.

Day 15: Met with Sir W— E—. Had to wait while he fixed his hair in at least three looking-glasses before he dismissed the servant and could get down to business. Trifle weary of his act. Percy Blakeney left his card, wants his schtick back, blah de blah. Sir W— troubled to hear about werewolf and succubus, suggested take Miss M. into country, said N. Abbey perfect place for training ground. Does he think I’m going to marry her or something?

Day 16: Freddy came back from Pump Room, said Miss M. was arguing with succubus for switching her attention from Mr. M. to Freddy. Full of himself now. Wager he just wants to get into the succubus’ petticoats. Literally. Eleanor has invited Miss M. to N. Abbey next week. Must prepare training regimen. Horseback riding, toss apples at her to sharpen reflexes, the usual. Curious that we have apples on trees in April. Must have something to do with Abbey being Hellmouth. We do get rather mild winters.

Day 17: Danced with Miss M. at Rooms tonight. She is still concerned about Freddy and succubus. Think I smoothed things over. Freddy better come up to scratch before succubus consumes Miss M.’s brother, or I’ll… I’ll what? Really, it’s not like I’m going to marry Miss M. or anything. Really.

Day 18: Drove to N. Abbey. The governor put Miss M. in curricle with me. Eleanor had to fight off demons that had hidden in chaise at Petty France. Fortunately Freddy left her some of his special “toys.” Gave opportunity to break news to Miss M. about vampyres at Abbey. Afraid she thought it a joke. Still the wittiest, but sometimes backfires.