Russell Brand!

MTV: Is there any truth to the rumors that you might play Johnny Depp’s brother in the upcoming “Pirates of the Caribbean” sequel?

Brand: I’ve seen some talk about that matter, but I think they’re still writing the script. Nonetheless, I am having a skull and crossbones tattooed on each of my nipples in anticipation of the plotline. I just hope it doesn’t affect my other work in Jane Austen adaptations.

Honestly, he’s perfect.