All right, this is turning into a conspiracy. Not one but two articles crossed our desk tonight in which well-known gentlemen cast aspersions on Jane Austen’s work.

Budget Orlando Bloom Rupert Friend, who Janeites might remember as Mr. Wickham (boo! hiss!) in P&P 2005, and who will star as Prince Albert (insert your own “can” jokes here*) in the upcoming The Young Victoria film, dissed Mr. Darcy. Get out the torches and pitchforks, Team Darcy:

Rupert, who played the cad Mr Wickham in the recent adaptation of the Jane Austen novel and now plays Queen Victoria’s husband in the movie The Young Victoria said: “I think he’s less repressed than Darcy and he has a greater work ethic than Darcy; he works harder. I don’t think Darcy did anything and he certainly didn’t dance, Albert danced.”

FAIL! And we think somebody has a complex. Yep. That’s it. Inadequacy is so unattractive.

And then there’s Mark Twain, a charter member of the He-Man Austen Haters Club. Yeah, we know he was probably messing with his buddy who liked Jane a lot, but here he goes again, in an essay that is part of a new collection of previously unpublished work.

In one essay, he wonders if Jane Austen’s intent is to “make the reader detest her people up to the middle of the book and like them in the rest of the chapters?”

Well, yeah. It’s called plotting. Ever heard of it?

That might anger some avid Austen fans, but that would be nothing new.

True dat. ETA: Wait a minute. We just re-read and realized that we missed an Uptight Janeite Purist™ remark (it was late, what can we say). When we see the She-Woman Mark Twain Haters Club and Huckleberry Finn and Zombies and references to Middle-Aged Twain Man-Whores, we’ll let the UJP snark slide. Until then, prepare for a Cluebatting.

*AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL AUSTEN, DON’T GOOGLE “PRINCE ALBERT” IN GOOGLE IMAGES WITH FILTERS TURNED OFF UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE! JUST DON’T DO IT! GAH! EYE BLEACH! EYE BLEACH!