For a decade, the inevitable decline and fall of mainstream print media has been predicted; but as long as cutting-edge journalism such as Sarah Ball’s review of the P&P & Zombies prequel, Dawn of the Dreadfuls, in Newsweek (at least we think it’s a review) are being produced, we can look to the old guards of mainstream media for leadership and new ideas.

*turns off sarcasm tag*

Besides her meddling mother, gaggle of sisters, and loyal best friend, there’s her 200-year-old fan club of female readers, rivals to Potter nuts and Trek fiends in fervor. So where is the sisterhood in her hour of need?

Right here, waving our big pink Louisville Slugger of a Cluebat of Janeite Righteousness. For FIVE AND A HALF BLEEDING YEARS for the love of Elvis.

Yet, in a mashup marketplace, familiarity with authentic Austen seems on the verge of fading—unless someone speaks up. So where are you, harrumphing English teachers with Austen-filled syllabi? Old boots with poodles named Darcy? Crazy person who paid $11,000 at auction for a lock of Jane’s hair? Consider this your conscription notice.

Honestly, woman, LMGTFY. Has no one been paying attention? Are we out here Cluebatting in the wilderness? Do we need to send the League of Austen’s Extraordinary Gentlemen after a journalist? (Speaking of…)

We think we’re insulted.