The League of Austen’s Extraordinary Gentlemen

The League of Austen’s Extraordinary Gentlemen, Part the Seventh

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Part the First — Part the Second — Part the Third — Part the Fourth — Part the Fifth — Part the Sixth

The Ladies Take Their Turn

In which the story ends, we hope satisfactorily.

“This meeting of the League will come to order,” cried Mr. Bingley, banging his gavel several times. The hubbub died down in the crowded Pemberley ballroom. Everyone had come: the gentlemen, the ladies, the blackguards, and even the minor comic characters.

“Miss Bates, I beg your pardon, madam,” said Mr. Bingley, “but I must ask you to desist as well.”

“Oh, Mr. Bingley, I beg your pardon,” said Miss Bates. “I was just telling dear Jane and my mother about the unfortunate result of the blackguards–”

Mrs. Churchill managed to quiet her aunt, and Mr. Bingley nodded to her gratefully.

“Mr. Darcy will speak to you all now about the next steps of the defense.”

Everyone applauded politely as Mr. Darcy took the podium.

“We undertook the defense of Miss Jane Austen’s work against the forces of popular culture, which sought to overtake us and bend us to its will,” said Mr. Darcy. “We have used the generous resources with which Miss Austen provided us, and have had success. The Royal Navy, the army, the gentlemen of the hunt, and the gentlemen of the cloth. Even those of us who have not behaved as they ought–” he glanced at the blackguards, who sat a little apart from everyone else, passing around a bottle between them; Mr. Crawford, wrapped in blankets, sipped shakily– “have had a part in the defense. I am proud of all that we have done, and I hope you all are proud as well.”

He stopped speaking to take a drink of water, and there was scattered applause. Mr. Darcy held up a hand.

“Thank you—but I am very sorry to report that we have not, at last, succeeded.” Continue reading

The League of Austen’s Extraordinary Gentlemen, Part the Sixth

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Part the First — Part the Second — Part the Third — Part the Fourth — Part the Fifth — Part the Sixth — Part the Seventh

Not Gentlemen At All

In which the League encounters the Fangirls.

Mr. Darcy had called together his staff. “Gentlemen, it has been a week, and we have not had a report from the Blackguards,” he said.

“They might be, er, busy,” said Mr. Bingley.

“Mr. Darcy, these are not the steadiest fellows,” said Admiral Croft. “Brave of them to go out, of course, nothing to say to that; but they aren’t to be depended upon for proper discipline.”

“I understand you,” said Mr. Darcy. “Nevertheless, I am concerned. I would think that if they had success they would wish to, er, lord it over us.”

The ballroom doors burst open at that moment, and two ragged figures staggered in. “Help us,” cried one of the men, who was supporting the other. Continue reading

The League of Austen’s Extraordinary Gentlemen, Part the Fifth

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Part the First — Part the Second — Part the Third — Part the Fourth — Part the Fifth — Part the Sixth — Part the Seventh

The Gentleman in Charge

In which we at last meet the leader of the defensive action.

The butler opened the door. He said, “Welcome, Mr. Tilney,” and admitted him immediately. “Are all these gentlemen with you?” he asked as Mr. Ferrars, Mr. Bertram, and Mr. Collins filed past.

“Yes, for my sins,” said Henry. “Are they in the ballroom?”

“Yes, sir.” He led the way and opened the door to admit them.

The vast ballroom was in a bustle of activity. As the gentlemen of the cloth entered the room, a passing gentleman stopped and exclaimed, “Hullo, Tilney!”

“Hullo, Bingley!” said Henry, clasping his hand.

Mr. Bingley eyed Henry’s entourage. “Did your operation go off well?”

“Very well, indeed. We’re all the best of friends now, aren’t we, gentlemen?” said Henry with a grin. “Wouldn’t travel to Derbyshire without them.” Continue reading

The League of Austen’s Extraordinary Gentlemen: Part the Fourth

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Part the First — Part the Second — Part the Third — Part the Fourth — Part the Fifth — Part the Sixth — Part the Seventh

The Gentlemen of the Cloth

In which Mr. Tilney has a secret.

A gentleman stood in the church, looking around with an anxious air. His dress was subdued; a black coat and trousers, gray great coat, sturdy boots, and a wide-brimmed hat pulled low over his eyes. His wife had told him that he looked quite smart when he left her for his important mission.

He heard footsteps behind him, and turned to see who had joined him; and then he knew that his own raiment, however glorious it had seemed in his own dressing-room, was merely ordinary.

A long, long great coat made of black leather swirled around shining top boots, separating in front to reveal close-fitting black suede breeches. A black shirt and waistcoat, a loosely-tied black muslin cravat, and a wide-brimmed black hat completed his ensemble. He had a crossbow tucked under his arm. The first gentleman took some comfort from the fact that his own hat was not that much different from the leather-coated gentleman’s. Continue reading

The League of Austen’s Extraordinary Gentlemen: Part the Third

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Part the First — Part the Second — Part the Third — Part the Fourth — Part the Fifth — Part the Sixth — Part the Seventh

The Gentlemen of the Hunt

In which the Gentlemen encounter some very unexpected creatures.

“You must do something, gentlemen,” said Mr. Perry. “The entire town expects it.” He lowered his voice. “It might be only chickens now, but there is fear that the violence will extend to people. There’s a moon tonight; no doubt they will be out and about.”

“Yes, thank you,” said Mr. Knightley. Mr. Perry, judging it best to let the sentiment work upon the gentlemen, left them.

“Let’s go after them,” said Sir John Middleton, caressing his best shotgun. “Let’s teach them a lesson, Knightley.”

“Looks like we don’t have a choice,” said Mr. Martin.

“You don’t have a part in this, Robert,” said Knightley.

Robert Martin looked at him steadily. “I may be just a yeoman farmer, but I have as much right to join in this fight as you do.” Continue reading

The League of Austen’s Extraordinary Gentlemen: Part the Second

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Part the First — Part the Second — Part the Third — Part the Fourth — Part the Fifth — Part the Sixth — Part the Seventh

Broadcast of this episode was delayed by unavoidable technical difficulties. It has, however, aged like fine wine and improved by another pass through the Editrix’s twisted mindscape of Austen meta.

The Gentlemen of His Majesty’s Armed Forces

In which there are many explosions.

There was no moon, and the stars were brilliant in the inky sky. Something moved in the darkness, like black velvet rippling; a voice, low and modulated, said, “The dove flies from Chawton.”

A second voice answered, “It is a truth universally acknowledged.”

A third voice said, “Why not seize the pleasure at once?”

A small flame flared as the leader lit a lamp. “Were you followed?” he asked. Continue reading

The League of Austen’s Extraordinary Gentlemen: Part the First

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Part the First — Part the Second — Part the Third — Part the Fourth — Part the Fifth — Part the Sixth — Part the Seventh

The Gentlemen of the Royal Navy

In which the defense begins.

There was a cry from the lookout. “Deck ahoy! Enemy sighted two points off the larboard bow!”

The first lieutenant strode to the rail and raised his glass. After a moment he said to the midshipman of the watch, “Pray convey my respect to the captain, and tell him that we have a situation that requires his attention.”

The captain soon joined his first officer, who handed the captain his glass. The captain observed a moment, and then said to the lieutenant, “Our old friend.”

“Yes, sir. And that is the part of the coast where the Dashwood ladies have taken a cottage.”

“Our duty is clear, Mr. Price. He has escaped us before, but he shall not escape this time.” The captain gave his commands with rapid confidence. “Signal the fleet: enemy in sight, prepare to engage. Then beat to quarters.” Continue reading